A Psycho in a Cakewalk

A wedding cake appeared in the middle of the road. I picked it up and put it in the back of my van. 

“Whatcha do that for? You don’t know who that belongs to,” Teddy said accusingly. 

“If they want it back they can buy it back, and if not I have a delicious wedding cake all for myself.” I tried to explain to him but he wouldn’t shut up about it.

“That’s just wrong. That’s someone’s wedding cake, you can’t just steal someone’s wedding cake. We should try and return it.” Teddy ragged on as I started driving again. 

“I’ve got more important things to do than be someone's cake saviour. It is quite hard to lose a wedding cake. They probably don’t even want it,” I explained to him, but he persisted on with the stupid matter. 

“What more important things do you have to do?” 

“Well, I don’t have anything planned, but it’s surely more important than this cake.” Teddy finally gave up. He must have realized that I am always right. I dropped him off at his house and then started driving to mine. The reflection of the cake caught my eye in the rearview mirror. The cake’s vanilla frosting swirled all the way to the peak where two lovely figures were perched. The groom looked awfully big. 

Just then, the van went off the road and slammed into a telephone pole. The airbag hit the side of my head while I watched the cake tumble over and the groom fly through the windscreen. Then, I saw that a car had pulled up behind me. A skinny man got out of the car and started walking over. He looked a little dumb in his tuxedo. 

“Are you ok?” he asked. 

“Yeah, yeah I’m, I’m fine.” 

“Are you sure? And where’d you get that cake? I was actually looking for one just like it.” I knew he could easily be outwitted. 

“That’s funny. It definitely can’t be yours. My friend Teddy gave it to me and he told me he got straight from the shop.”  The man walked around the front of the car and started to assess the damage. 

As he was doing that, he asked, “Why would your friend buy you a wedding cake?” 

“Who knows? Ted is a little bit odd.”  He kept looking around the front of the car till he picked up the little figure that had flown off the cake. 

He observed it for a few seconds and then looked at me and said, “Where is your friend Teddy?”

“At his house about half a mile back, house number 27,” I answered. He got back in his car turned around and speed off in the other direction. I took one last look at the cake and slowly walked back to my house. The sun was out, the air was warm, the trees were green and it was a lovely day for a walk. I took it all in, and when I finally did get home, all I could think was I wish I had that cake.

I poured myself a glass of water, turned the TV on and sprawled out on the couch. I didn’t really take in anything from the TV, just sat there and watched the pixels flicker and listened to the comforting tones of daytime television. I was content. Just as I was truly embracing this state the phone started to ring. I was frustrated at first, but then decided to let it ring and not allow myself to be disturbed. It rang a few more times and then stopped. I felt quite smug with myself and took another swig of water. It rang again, so I ignored it again. It rang a third time, and I lost my patience. 

“Hello,” I said into the receiver in a rightfully angry tone. 

“Hey Bear, it’s Teddy.” Teddy said it in such a nonchalant manner that it made me even more mad. 

“Teddy!” I screamed into phone, “Why are you calling me on such a peaceful afternoon?”

“Well, I thought I’d let you know there’s a couple of guys heading to your house. I think they want the wedding cake. I told them they could buy it back from you though. That made them real mad and then they asked where you lived and left."

“That’s hilarious, whose address did you give them? Was it Barry’s, or maybe Jordan’s, you must have given them Kevin’s.” I couldn’t hold my laughter back. “Can you imagine Kevin’s round little face go pale with fear when a couple of brutes knock on his door looking for their wedding cake. I might go over there access the damage in a bit. Do you want to join me Teddy?” The house started shaking and I realized the epicenter of these seismic waves was at the front door. “Teddy! Have you no loyalty? Throwing one of your fellow workers under the bus. Wait till the union hears about this.” I threw down the phone in disgust and went to attend to the front door. 

I opened the door and looked up. The three figures eclipsed me. “It’s quite dark for this time of day,” I said trying to peer around them. Rather rudely, they seemed unamused by my comment, not even an attempt of a smile. 

“Can we come in?” the tallest one grunted.

“Depends, do you have a warrant?” I charmingly asked, but they proceeded to push me out of the way and walk into my house.  “Coffee?” 

“No thank you. I want a real drink, do you have whiskey?” the big one asked.

“It’s 10:30.”

“And I said do you have whiskey?”


“Right then, we’ll have three whiskeys.” I brought them their whiskey and sat down on the sofa. The big one shut off the TV and sat opposite me in an armchair, while the other two sat either side of me on the sofa. “Look, today is my wedding.”


“No, shut up, I’m talking right now. So, today is my wedding. Terry here, my best man, who I believe you meet earlier left the cake in the road.” He pointed at the man next to me, who had been very interested in my van when it went off the road. 

“Terry screwed up, and we have gotten over that now and I’m sure he’s never gonna do that again. Isn’t that right Terry?”

“Sure is.” 

Terry definitely is very stupid, how did he forget a cake on the road? “To be fair to Terry, he also found the cake. He knows, I know, and you know that the cake is ruined. It is a fact and we accept that. I’m trying to stay calm and reasonable on my wedding day because I should not be upset at my own wedding, lucky you. The man on your left do you know who that is?” he asked me.


“Well, that’s the bride’s charming brother. Had we gone with his plan, you’d’ve been beaten into a bit of cake batter and”--looks at his watch--“would be going into the oven right about… now. I told him that we would show a bit of pity and compassion. He didn’t like my plan, but he’s agreed to it. I told him if there’s no wedding cake when we arrive at the reception at about 3 this afternoon then your all his. So do we have a deal? I suppose I don’t have to ask you, because you don’t have much choice. Essentially, if you enjoy breathing then it might be in your best interest that there is a wedding cake at my reception at the local country club at 3 o’clock.” 

The triumvirate got up and I guided them out the door, made sure that Terry didn’t get lost. Once they had gone I picked up the phone and gave Teddy a call.

“Hey Teddy, it’s Bear. How’s it going?”

“Uh fine, how are you?”

“Good, good. I met your friends.  They seemed quite nice.”

“Did they?”

“Yeah, they did. There was a bit of misunderstanding, but I think we sorted it all out.”

“Well that’s good.”

“Yeah, I suppose.  For me it is, at least. They were quite upset about the cake. 

They were also quite upset with you as well.”

“What did I do?”

“Well, I tried to tell them that you weren't involved with the cake napping, but they wouldn’t listen to me. I’m really sorry, buddy, but they want a new wedding cake at the country club by 3 o’clock.”

“Or what?”

“Well, there was something about your a head being on display at the picket fence shop or something. It all sounded quite nasty--you probably don’t want to know what would happen to the rest of your body. I think it’s in your best interest to go and get that cake, you know, if you enjoy breathing.” 

I heard him drop the phone on the floor, and I knew I could trust him. I gently laid the phone on the table, walked back into the living room, flicked on the TV, flopped onto the sofa, and picked up the half full glass of whiskey.  I was content once again.

Jack Bayley '15